MOSTLY MORTON

Whose Funeral Is It, Anyway?

By Steve Morton

12-14-99

I know what you are thinking: what in the world is he going to say about the sacred ritual called the funeral. I would not be Mostly Morton if I didn't touch all aspects of life, even my own.

My oldest uncle recently passed on to a better life (I hope) and it made me think of a subject that has irking me lately: The funeral procession.

When was the last time that you entered a highway or major road and found yourself smack in the middle of a never-ending line of automobiles trying to maintain a tight gauntlet? You get your car in and want badly to get out but everyone is mad at you for having no respect for the dead and won't let you out. You are mad, sad, curious and delirious all while forgetting where you are going. Sound familiar?

If you haven't noticed lately, more people are driving on clear days with their headlights on. Many new cars even have driving lights that are on all the time. This presents my problem: how do you know when that long line is a funeral? Some funerals do have flags on the participating members of the procession. You can't tell by the hearse if it has already passed and you can't tell by the cars because of the lights. A lot of hearses are so fancy now you can't tell them from the celebrity limos that you and I take to see Cats in. Of course, you know I have an idea.

Let's look at the color purple. No, I'm not talking about the movie, but the actual color. It is not really being used right now. Won't bother your eyes. It is definitely different from emergency Red. A lot of funeral homes already use purple flags on cars in the procession. I just want to extend it to be mandatory to use flags and the flashing purple lights. At least the limos and maybe the clergy could have them. They could be the portables like Starsky & Hutch used or permanent grille lights. I would also not mind if the headlights flashed alternately.

I know that this article may fall on dead ears but we seriously need to look at this because the life you save may be mine!